Ruben Amorim is the new figure of greatest fascination after arriving from Sporting hoping to transplant his success in Portugal onto the sick club of the Premier League, Manchester United.
The new gaffer got started with a trip to newly-promoted Ipswich Town, and all eye were on Amorim to see what kind of immediate effect he could have at Manchester United as Erik ten Hag’s successor. This is how his day unfolded.
15:30: The starting line-up is, naturally, the first source of intrigue. Amorim makes three changes from Ruud van Nistelrooy’s last selection against Leicester, drafting in Jonny Evans, Christian Eriksen and Alejandro Garnacho in place of Lisandro Martinez, Manuel Ugarte and Rasmus Hojlund.
That XI looks like it would sit nicely in a 4-3-3, but Amorim went 3-4-3 at Sporting. Is he going to Victor Moses someone into a wing-back (Amad Diallo?) and stick Noussair Mazraoui at centre-back? Twitter seems to think so.
16:05: Sky Sports also reckon it’ll be 3-4-3 with Amad Diallo at right wing-back, Dalot on the other side, and Fernandes and Garnacho flanking Rashford.
16:15: Amorim appears on Sky Sports to preview the game. He’s asked how he wants his first game to be written about come the final whistle. He replies: “I don’t care, journalists are scum anyway. Get out of my face.” Then Amorim pushes the interviewer to the ground and throws his notes onto his prone carcass, shouting “NICE CLIPBOARD, NERD!”
Alright, he doesn’t really. Instead he says words to the effect that he just wants them to win and that’s it because it’s such early days and it’ll take them time to develop performances properly, which seems boringly reasonable.
READ: Keane laments lack of ‘fear’ as Ruben Amorim Man United reign gets under way at Ipswich
16:30: And we’re under way, to the tune of Hey Jude (1968) by Ipswich’s most famous musical sons, The Beatles.
16:32: Send Marcus Rashford to America every week we reckon.
Amad is indeed the right wing-back, and on his first roar up the pitch to the edge of the Ipswich box, he puts in a lovely ball for Rashford to tap home. 1-0.
Amorim calmly turns away in response and returns to his seat, taking a little sip from his water bottle like a University Challenge who has just got a difficult answer right and wants to disguise their utter smugness.
16:35: The United fans are chanting Amorim’s name to the tune of Baby Give It Up by KC and the Sunshine Band (1982).
That song was released three years before Amorim was even born. Would it kill football fans to borrow the tune to any songs that were released more recently than The White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army (2003)? Give us a bit of HAIM or Self Esteem or something, you cowards. We’d even take Valerie by The Zutons (2006).
16:54: Unfortunately, that goal has allowed United to be a bit comfortable. It’s a wee bit scrappy, Ipswich have had a couple of pops, United are happy enough playing in second gear against a fairly limited but enthusiastic side. Is Amorim going to be happy about that? Hard to say.
For what it’s worth, there has a little bit of something in the United press, which lines up roughly 5-2-3 cum 5-3-2, with a distinct back five, Casemiro and Eriksen in the middle, and Rashford joined by one or both of Fernandes and Garnacho, one of whom will occasionally drop back into midfield. But Ipswich are still getting through.
16:57: The Amorim Looks: Big black coat, grey jumper, blue chinos, white trainers, no hat. In case you wondered. The Iberian manager’s uniform of choice, in other words. Has a way to go before he can rival Pep Guardiola’s on-point knitwear game. Get thee to the Trafford Centre.
16:59: Disappointingly, United are using the draught excluder to defend a direct free kick. No. It’s stupid. How often do you actually see shots go under the wall and in, versus set pieces getting scored on the rebound by an unmarked man?
17:08: Peter Drury informs us that a fire alarm at Stockley Park means VAR is not in fact in operation just at the moment. God please let something happen in Ipswich’s favour as a result. We want to see where Amorim sits on the swivel-eyes scale, from Ange Postecoglou at one end to Nuno Espirito Santo at the other.
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17:13: 1-1. Omari Hutchinson’s deflected strike finds the top corner just a couple of minutes before the break, and we get a classic hand-over-mouth and squeeze of the nose from Amorim, like a University Challenge contestant who recognises a question as being about Dr Faustus but couldn’t remember the bloody title in time. Tip of his tongue, it was.
17:15: More nose-in-hand action from Amorim as he paces idly around the technical area, no doubt weighing up what to say and do at the break.
17:19: And as the half-time whistle goes, Amorim…rubs his nose with his index finger. Arsene Knows. Ruben Nose.
17:21: We wonder if Amorim’s nose is in any way enchanted, like the Queen’s nose in The Queen’s Nose, which we are staggered to learn ran for 44 episodes over eight years. If Gary Mabbutt turns up, our suspicions will be confirmed.
On Gary Mabbutt’s birthday it’s worth remembering his starring role in classic 90s kids show The Queen’s Nose.
Suddenly morphing into the maverick we never knew he could be. #Keepit90s
pic.twitter.com/DrMXNSPkMT
— The 90s Football Podcast (@AK90s) August 23, 2022
17:34: Head down, hands in pockets for Amorim as he re-emerges from the tunnel. No nose action and no sign of Mabbutt, yet.
17:40: Some nice little exchanges of position there between as Amad swaps with Mazraoui and then with Garnacho as United get forward (Garnacho and Fernandes have swapped flanks now, by the way), but the move breaks down after they work it across to the left. That’s the kind of fluidity Amorim will want to encourage, we’re sure.
17:43: …and there’s the kind of old habits he’ll want to get rid of as the United midfield inexplicably vanishes into thin air to allow Liam Delap to burst up the middle and get into the box to receive a cross. Lovely little flicked back-heel, too, but Onana saves it.
17:44: United have been sleeping since the break but have just woken up. Fernandes sends Garnacho away on the counter-attack, but he’s tackled as he arrives into the box and tries to square to Rashford. And then, two minutes later, a nice little passing exchange ends in Fernandes having a shot blocked.
17:46: Amorim has already seen enough, though: on come Shaw and Ugarte for Evans and Casemiro. Shaw goes in on the left of the back three. Given Amorim likes his centre-backs to get forward as supplementary full-backs, you suspect he would have done that from the start had Shaw been able to do the full 90. He’s got two full-backs either side of De Ligt now.
17:51: Another rub of the nose from Amorim as he send a ball up the touchline for a throw. Still Mabbutt remains curiously absent.
17:56: As Ipswich make a change, Amorim prepares another double sub with Hojlund and Zirkzee stripped (to their kit, not nude) and ready to come on. Amorim has out the big folder of tactical homework, and has formed his hand into a beak to vibrate over sections of it in curious detail while Zirkzee studiously pretends to be taking it all in.
17:58: Zirkzee and Hojlund now come on to replace Eriksen and Rashford. Fernandes has gone into central midfield alongside Ugarte. Hojlund is up the middle, Zirkzee right, Garnacho left.
18:05: This game is in a very boring holding pattern now. United pass it around a bit at the back. They eventually come forward. Ipswich stop them in wide areas around the edge of the box. Arijanet Muric punts the ball directly at the linesman just to try and liven things up a bit.
18:07: United are struggling to get used to playing a front three. Case in point: Zirkzee drops deep to link the play back to the midfield, but leaves Hojlund totally isolated, so it means very little because there’s nothing left forward United can then actually play up to. Zirkzee belatedly gets forward off a one-two, then curls it into row R from the edge of the box. It’s still one of the best efforts United have had since their opening goal.
Garnacho is meanwhile absolutely brilliant at drifting wide and running himself into blind channels before losing the ball. We’ve seen nothing penetrative from the wing-backs since Rashford’s goal, either.
There really is an awful lot for Amorim to do on the training ground, isn’t there…they’re making an exciting attack-minded formation look exceptionally ineffective.
18:10: Fernandes curls a free kick narrowly wide and grabs his nose in frustration. It’s catching.
18:16: On comes Mason Mount for Garnacho. Do you remember Mason Mount? Lad who used to be decent at Chelsea? Bit like Cole Palmer but not as good? Turns out he’s at United now.
Feels very like Amorim is waiting for any one of his forwards and midfielders to show him they can actually do a job: he’s gone through multiple different iterations and partnerships. Rashford’s goal aside, it turns out none of them have magically turned into better players just because they’ve replaced their manager. Who’d have thought.
18:20: This is boring and we’re bored.
18:25: And it’s over. Thank god. 1-1 and a decidedly meh start to life under Amorim. But it was always likely to be so. Amorim gives McKenna a handshake, and walks directionlessly around the pitch. He rubs his nose and gathers up his players to go over to applaud the away fands, which they do with the least possible enthusiasm.
18:44: Amorim joins Sky for a chat. Says you could see the players were preoccupied with what there positioning ought to be but that it was a tough match, and that United never controlled the ball or the tempo ‘but they tried … and you can see the players really want this’. If you say so.
“The most important thing is they want this and sometimes they don’t know how to get it … We’re trying to find things about the players and we will need a lot of time.”
Ed Sheeran then interrupts a live broadcast to say hello to Jamie Redknapp. Why? On every level, why?
Amorim shakes his head at just how many interviews he now has to do, saying: “This week I’ve spoken more than in four years at Sporting. I just want to work with my players, nothing more.”
18:50: Why didn’t Gary Mabbutt turn up? That’s what we want to know.
