The surprise win for Ipswich over Bournemouth at the Vitality gave them the tiniest glimmer of hope of staying up ahead of what we then assume will be a Premier League title win next season in a repeat of Leicester’s rags to riches story a decade ago.
But in all likelihood the Tractor Boys will join the Foxes and the Saints in marching back down to the Championship with what looks set to be the lowest combined points tally of a bottom three in history. They currently have 47 points between them, eight fewer than Luton, Burnley and Sheffield United at the same stage last season, who were the worst ever before this lot plumbed new depths.
But we’ll worry about what all the promoted teams going straight back down with record low points totals in consecutive seasons means for the future of football some other time. Instead we’re reassigning players set to be relegated – the ten best by our reckoning – to Premier League vultures.
Mads Hermansen (Leicester) – Manchester United
If our news team has learnt anything over the last few years it’s to never ignore the erudite opinions of former Manchester United full-back Paul Parker. His hot takes include Scott McTominay “not being good enough for Celtic” and Alejandro Garnacho being on course for the Ballon d’Or, and we’ve strangely not heard all that much from him on his absolute favourite subject recently – the “workshy” antics of Marcus Rashford, who’s “never been good anyway”.
We therefore grabbed fistfuls of salt after reading his suggestion that Hermansen “has it all” and should be the man to replace the “useless” Andre Onana. The Dane certainly didn’t do much to enhance his reputation in the 2-0 defeat to Manchester City on Wednesday, dropping a clanger to gift Omar Marmoush the second goal of the game.
But he ranks fifth among goalkeepers in the Premier League this season in terms of shot-stopping (Onana’s ninth), his distribution is decent and crucially for United – who supposedly sent scouts to watch Hermansen in January – Leicester’s £35m asking price set amid that interest is likely to drop significantly as they count the cost of relegation.
Tyler Dibling (Southampton) – Tottenham
The answer to ‘where does a mercurial young playmaker with huge potential go?’ is always Tottenham and it is never good advice. We wouldn’t wish Spurs on any such player at the best of times, let alone now as Ange Postecoglou wages war against his own fanbase while overseeing what may very well be their worst-ever season in Premier League history.
But the Australian miserabilist will surely be out on his ear come the summer, when we fully expect Daniel Levy to go back to Southampton after Saints responded to their £35m January bid with a £100m asking price and put £25m on the table like a drug dealer now offering heroin heavily cut with talcum powder to a desperate skaghead.
Victor Kristiansen (Leicester) – Brentford
He often starts ahead of Patrick Dorgu for Denmark, though we’re not quite sure if that says more about Manchester United’s decision to spend £25m on a Lecce full-back in January or Kristiansen himself.
But that combined with Kristiansen’s key role in helping Bologna into the Champions League last season should be enough to persuade a Premier League club to take a punt on a guy currently playing for a club where the horrible decision to appoint Ruud van Nistelrooy has made it nigh-on impossible for any player to give a good account of themselves.
Where else would a Scandinavian, specifically a Dane, go other than Brentford?
Liam Delap (Ipswich) – Manchester United
Kieran McKenna’s claim that Ipswich’s second goal of the game in the away win over Bournemouth was “the best anyone has scored here” is a safe statement in that disputing it requires people to remember any goal scored by anyone other than Liam Delap at the Vitality this season.
It was indeed “a fantastic move” though, finished in the most Liam Delap way, as rather than side-footing his shot in from the heart of the box he decided to leather it as hard as he possibly could.
It was sort of walloped goal we got used to seeing Erling Haaland score for Borussia Dortmund in that weird Covid period when everyone became experts on Bundesliga football as it returned before the Premier League, as his shots routinely forced the net off the ground before the base came back down with that hugely satisfying clang.
We’re not about to suggest United can sign The Next Erling Haaland for £40m, but there are definitely similar attributes aside from the F*** It I’m Whacking This style of finishing that’s actually disappointingly not so much a part of Haaland’s game these days – the physicality, running power, movement off the ball, confidence bordering on arrogance and that blinkered desire to score goals that’s currently lacking in both Rasmus Hojlund and Joshua Zirkzee.
And we suspect United won’t be too bothered by how Delap scores if he too decides that battering the back of a football isn’t actually the best route to 30+ goals a season.
Wilfred Ndidi (Leicester) – Everton
No Premier League player has more combined tackles and interceptions than Idrissa Gueye (148) this season, which is a hugely impressive stat for a 35-year-old given what is in general a young man’s part of the game. Ndidi’s not young either and definitely feels like quite an old 28-year-old, but would be a low-cost short-term succession plan for David Moyes in search of a midfield fighter.
The Nigeria international has 4.3 tackles/interceptions per game this season, which is inferior to Gueye (5.65) but only slightly worse than “the best defensive midfielder in the world” Moises Caicedo (4.42), who’s second on the total list behind Gueye on 129.
Ndidi would also be a fittingly ‘meh’ marquee signing of the summer with which to open the new stadium and Bramley-Moore Dock.
Jaden Philogene (Ipswich) – Aston Villa
When Aston Villa sold Philogene to Hull City in the summer of 2023 for £5m, they included not only a 30% sell-on clause but a ‘matching rights’ deal. So just one excellent Championship season later, when Ipswich bid £18m for his services, Villa stepped in and bought him for £13.5m (£18m minus the sell-on fee) instead.
Then in January, after two Premier League starts, no goals, no assists and one red card, Ipswich Town were desperate enough to pay £20m for a footballer Villa very clearly didn’t actually want or need but were using as a pawn in PSR chess.
And we now assume the Villa geniuses inserted a relegation buy-back clause or some other method of re-signing Philogene for a nominal fee before selling him on to the next patsy in a money-making scheme that will continue indefinitely.
Kyle Walker-Peters (Southampton) – Liverpool
He’s at best fourth on the list of out-of-contract stars Liverpool want a signature from but with Trent Alexander-Arnold set to leave for Real Madrid and an apparent desire not to block Conor Bradley from the first team, a move for a right-back with 143 games of Premier League experience who will probably be reasonably happy with a bit-part role for a big team and is firmly in the Never Lets You Down category of footballers makes a whole lot of sense.
Leif Davis (Ipswich) – Liverpool
Davis was supposedly being monitored by Liverpool along with RB Leipzig’s David Raum and Fulham’s Antonee Robinson as a long-term replacement for Andy Robertson in November before Bournemouth’s Milos Kerkez emerged as the clear left-back frontrunner, with Ipswich’s level dipping to such an extent in the meantime that the Premier League champions-elect signing any of their players feels implausible.
But there is the distinct possibility of both Robertson and Kostas Tsimikas leaving the club this summer, meaning Davis could be lured to Anfield on the basis of a battle for superiority with Kerkez ahead of what will more than likely be Carabao Cup appearances for the next four seasons.
READ MORE: Liverpool ‘dream’ deal one of six re-signings sporting directors are targeting this summer
Omari Hutchinson (Ipswich) – Crystal Palace
Hutchinson, like those of us who watched him in the Championship last season, probably expected a better return than three goals and two assists from his 27 appearances this season. But those contributions coming against Manchester United, Chelsea, Tottenham and Aston Villa (2) says something, as does him claiming the Player of the Match award for the England U21s vs Portugal in a team including Ethan Nwaneri, Harvey Elliott, Jobe Bellingham, Jarrod Branthwaite, Archie Gray and other players tipped to achieve great things and linked with big-money moves.
Palace bought Ismaila Sarr in the summer as a replacement for Michael Olise and the Senegal international has predictably failed to match his predecessor’s very high standards, impressing in fits and starts, much like Hutchinson for Ipswich.
If Oliver Glasner can time Sarr’s fits to coincide with Hutchinson’s starts and sub them in and out of the team accordingly he may well have an amalgam footballer to serve as a likeness to Olise next season.
Mateus Fernandes (Southampton) – Wolves
He’s one of very few Southampton players to come out of their horror season with any credit having arrived for his first season in the Premier League as a 20-year-old from Portugal. He will end the campaign with nearly as many appearances for Saints as he’s had previously in his senior career, laying on the most assists (3), creating the most chances (26) and winning possession in the final third more frequently per game (2.8) than any Southampton player.
Hailing from Portugal and given Wolves may well lose Joao Gomes in the summer amid interest from Liverpool, Molineux is the natural fit for Fernandes.
