Kevin De Bruyne’s announced his departure and given the out-of-contract mess at Liverpool, another potless season incoming for Arsenal and the normal Big Club poaching of mid-to-lower table talent we’ve dreamed up what we believe to be a reasonable world in which every Premier League club loses their best player.
Disclaimer: We accept and understand that you may not think these players are the best at their clubs.
Arsenal: William Saliba to Real Madrid
Arsenal are supposedly working on a big new contract for Saliba to sign in the summer, but the upcoming clash with Real Madrid offers tapping-up opportunities with the Spanish giants supposedly ‘in love’ with the centre-back, who may also learn over the next couple of weeks that the only sure-fire way of winning the Champions League is by joining Los Blancos.
Aston Villa: Marco Asensio to Newcastle
He’s scored nine goals at a ludicrous rate of one every 60 minutes since his loan move from Paris Saint-Germain and Unai Emery has tasked Monchi with signing him permanently ‘at all costs’. PSG have supposedly set that cost at just €15m but failure to secure Champions League football could see Asensio’s head turned elsewhere, possibly in the direction of Newcastle, who are likely to have beaten Villa to the punch should Emery’s side fail to get the job done.
Bournemouth: Milos Kerkez to Liverpool
It seems there are only t’s to cross and i’s left to dot before Kerkez arrives at Anfield as Andy Robertson’s successor having been arguably the best left-back in the Premier League this season.
READ MORE: Liverpool ‘dream’ deal one of six re-signings sporting directors are targeting this summer
Brentford: Bryan Mbeumo to Manchester United
The naysayers will claim he’s wholly unsuited to Ruben Amorim’s system but we believe the Manchester United tradition of chasing a top target until the last week of the transfer window before a panic buy will endure, with Amorim initially hailing Mbeumo’s “versatility” ahead of multiple failed position experiments before he escapes Old Trafford in a year’s time after the next manager insists he needs to bring in His Players.
Brighton: Kaoru Mitoma to Liverpool
Brighton reportedly rejected a whopping £75m bid from Al Nassr in the summer as Mitoma insisted he wanted to remain in Europe. Liverpool have previously been credited with interest and the rumoured departures of pretty much all of their current crop of forwards may turn their attention towards the Japan international.
Chelsea: Cole Palmer to Real Madrid
Florentino Perez likes nothing more than handing Carlo Ancelotti a selection headache and we thoroughly look forward to Palmer lining up at right-back ahead of Trent Alexander-Arnold to shoehorn him into a team behind Jude Bellingham, Rodrygo, Kylian Mbappe and Vinicius Junior.
Crystal Palace: Eberechi Eze to Arsenal
An ‘all-action midfielder’ is said to be one of the targets for Andrea Berta ahead of what will reportedly be a ‘seismic’ first transfer window for Arsenal’s new sporting director and Eze has all the actions.
READ MORE: How Andrea Berta should spend his £300m to win Arsenal the Premier League title
Everton: Idrissa Gueye to Al Ahli
No Premier League footballer has more combined tackles and interceptions this season than Gueye (148), who’s proving that age is just a number. Then again that number is 35, which is too high.
Fulham: Antonee Robinson to Arsenal
He appears to have lost to Kerkez in the race to Anfield, but Robinson has been brilliant for Fulham this season. He’s second to Gueye in tackles/interceptions on 129 and has ten assists from left-back, which is supposedly another position Berta has been tasked with recruiting in despite Myles Lewis Skelly, Jurrien Timber and Riccardo Calafiori proving more than enough depth amid the likely departures of Kieran Tierney and Oleksandr Zinchenko.
But given the only players Mikel Arteta likes more than left-backs are giants he’s not about to pass up the opportunity to sign a giant left-back.
Ipswich: Liam Delap to Manchester United
We have high hopes of Delap being the long-term replacement for Harry Kane in the England team and can think of no better method of that hope being dashed to nothing than a move to Manchester United, where up-and-coming strikes go to die. God help him.
Leicester: Wilfred Ndidi to Everton
Not quite the marquee signing the Toffees fans are hoping for with which to open their new stadium, but Gueye’s departure opens the door for a midfield battler.
Liverpool: Mohamed Salah to Al Hilal
It’s a case of when and not if Salah moves to Saudi Arabia, and while we keep being told there Is No Evidence Of Him Slowing Down, we would argue him being a bit pants in recent weeks after a long old season is some evidence of him slowing down and we’re not entirely convinced that handing him a hugely lucrative contract is actually the best idea. The best idea would have been doing that two years ago.
Manchester City: Kevin De Bruyne to San Diego FC
He’s off and while we don’t quite know where, we have too much love for the greatest midfielder in Premier League history to even conceive of him going to Saudi Arabia. San Diego – part-owned by Juan Mata – have been linked, and that sounds nice. We dare you to read his farewell statement without a tear in your eye.
Manchester United: Bruno Fernandes to Real Madrid
Amorim has told Fernandes he’s not going anywhere but we’re absolutely not having the suggestion that United would turn down £90m for their 30-year-old captain.
READ MORE: Bruno Fernandes may never be a Man Utd legend but would be a Real Madrid winner
Newcastle: Alexander Isak to Liverpool
Arsenal want Isak just as badly but we’re guessing having had a taste for glory at Newcastle he wants to win more trophies.
Nottingham Forest: Murillo to Chelsea
Chelsea really need a centre-back and Murillo fits the profile of being young and… no, actually that’s it. The move is presumably contingent on the Blues qualifying for the Champions League, which we’re not convinced is going to happen, just as we’re not convinced that leaving Forest for any club outside the very best in Europe is a great idea right now. But Chelsea have remained very adept at attracting top talent throughout their struggles under the new owners.
Southampton: Tyler Dibling to Tottenham
The answer to ‘where does a mercurial young playmaker with huge potential go?’ is always Tottenham and it is never good advice, but we fully expect Daniel Levy to lowball the Saints into submission.
Tottenham: Cristian Romero to Atletico Madrid
Romero has always played for Tottenham with an air of knowing he’s better than them, which may or may not be the case because just as Ange Postecoglou’s fun, free-flowing Spurs were a flash in the pan, we’re not sure Romero is anywhere near as good as he thinks he is. He’s unquestionably fiery though and fiery sh*thosues belong at Atletico Madrid under Diego Simeone.
West Ham: Jarrod Bowen to Newcastle
Jacob Murphy has five goals and eight assists in the Premier League this season but he could double that tally and still be one of the first names picked out as requiring an upgrade at Newcastle as no-one can get past the idea that a player signed for £8m from Norwich could ever be good enough to be playing Champions League football.
Bowen has just one more goal contribution after seven goals and seven assists for West Ham, who have added the captaincy as a barrier to his transfer. But like anyone, Bowen would presumably jump at the chance to play in the Champions League, and Eddie Howe loves an English winger.
Wolves: Matheus Cunha to Arsenal
We’re assuming Cunha can persuade them that the reason the red mist has descended on several occasions this season was just because he was playing for Wolves.
