You might not have heard, but Ruben Amorim is the new manager of Manchester United. And quite literally nothing else is getting a look in now as we all count down the days and hours until the return of some actual football.

Slot 0 Amorim 1
Sometimes Mediawatch sees a headline and knows instinctively and with almost terrifying certainty that the story is going to be absolute bollocks, but we have absolutely no clue whatsoever about the specific flavour of bollocks that awaits us. So to speak.

This, from the Daily Express, is a near flawless example:

Ruben Amorim has already ‘got one over’ on Liverpool boss Arne Slot ahead of Man Utd debut

There’s clearly just absolutely no way this is going to be a real story, is there? The man has been in charge barely a week, and is yet to lead his team into a single game of football. There is no meaningful, tangible, significant way he could have ‘got one over’ a manager who has made a near flawless start to life at Liverpool. So, in summary: it’s bollocks.

But what kind of bollocks? We had genuinely no idea what big hairy bollocks awaited us as, hands shaking, we gingerly clicked the link/put our hand down trousers.

The intro tells us nothing, immediately confirming what we already knew. Because in the vanishingly unlikely event that this was not in fact bollocks, it would have been right there. Instead we get this absolute waffle.

Manchester United head coach Ruben Amorim will quickly become accustomed to the bitter rivalry between his new club and Liverpool. And the Portuguese coach has reportedly already earned a small victory over his Anfield counterpart, Arne Slot, as he prepares to make his box office debut this weekend.

Then there are six more paragraphs of further point-evading guff. It’s almost like the poor sod asked to write this story knows it’s bollocks, in a way. But finally he can delay no longer, and has to show his hand. A hand covered in all sh*t and hair.

And it’s claimed that masses of journalists face disappointment in their efforts to attend a notable match in both clubs’ history.

The report adds that media requests for Sunday’s showdown have emphatically eclipsed the number for Slot’s debut as Liverpool manager on the opening weekend.

We should have f***ing guessed. If there’s one thing football journalists love more than pitiful clickbait, it’s pitiful self-indulgent clickbait about themselves.

One day, journalists of all stripes will realise that not one normal person gives the tiniest of shiny shites about journalists. But today is not that day. So we get this sh*t. And then an industry-leading use of the phrase ‘Of course’ to admit that the entire story is so much tish and fipsy.

Of course, inferior interest won’t bother the Dutchman or Liverpool while they are atop the Premier League and Champions League tables with 15 wins in his first 17 matches.

Probably not, lads, no.

And there are, ‘of course’, no prizes for guessing that ‘got one over’ in that headline is quoting absolutely nobody whatsoever either in the Express story or the throwaway couple of pars in the Mail from which it’s been confected.

Final demand
Talk of obvious bollocks brings us to this Mirror headline and leaves Mediawatch desperately attempting to be grown up enough not to do anything with sacks and bollocks.

Man Utd news: Marcus Rashford shares Ruben Amorim verdict as immediate sacking demanded

Yes, it’s another step towards total headline domination for the humble ‘as’ with this one. The fact that this headline makes it look a little bit like Marcus Rashford has demanded Ruben Amorim be immediately sacked is just an unfortunate accident. We’re sure whoever came up with it will be absolutely gutted when they realise how they have, by sheer bad luck, come up with a headline that contains such a possible double-meaning. Oh no!

Obviously, Rashford has done absolutely nothing of the sort. For completeness, the ‘immediate sacking’ demanded ‘as’ Rashford hailed a ‘Top session’ in training with Amorim is in fact Richard Keys yelling at clouds again about something or other and calling Erik Ten Hag ‘Ten Toast’ for some reason.

Brevity is the soul of wit
Manchester United players have been getting used to life under Amorim this week, but that hasn’t stopped them issuing verdicts or sending messages. If anything, the volume of such verdicts and messages has only increased. But what is clear, judging by Manchester Evening News coverage at least, is that Amorim has been working his new charges so hard that they have been forced to keep these missives increasingly brief.

Yesterday, Marcus Rashford had time for this, for instance.

Marcus Rashford gives three-word verdict on Ruben Amorim’s first Man United training session

No such luxury for Casemiro, though:

Casemiro gives two-word verdict after Ruben Amorim’s first Man United training session

And now Bruno Fernandes has even less time on his hands.

Bruno Fernandes sends one-word message ahead of Ruben Amorim meeting at Man United

Viktor’s spoils
In fairness to Bruno, the reason he only had time for a one-word message might be because he’s been given another very important job by his new manager, because the MEN also reveal the following:

Bruno Fernandes sends subtle message to Viktor Gyokeres amid Man United transfer links

Always good when you get the word ‘subtle’ in a headline. Not many headline words that give you a greater clue that nonsense is afoot than ‘subtle’, because in headlines what it nearly always actually means is ‘minuscule to the point of non-existent’.

The subtle message in this case is so subtle you really could miss it; Bruno has liked a Gyokeres Instagram post after he scored a goal for Sweden.

That’s it. Bruno is, at time of writing, one of 408, 490 people to send this precise subtle message. Except in tenuous clickbait land what he’s actually done with that like is suggest ‘he is keeping tabs on Gyokeres’ career’ which definitely doesn’t sound weird and creepy.

In keeping with today’s welcome if slightly discombobulating football media policy of acknowledging the story you’ve just written is complete guff, we then get this.

While a nice gesture, it may not necessarily be a sign of Gyokeres’ impending arrival in Manchester.

Oh. Right you are.

According to reports, Manchester United have ‘offered’ La Liga giants Real Madrid a ‘swap deal’ as they look to sign their ‘dream’ target.

Ruben Amorim has left Sporting Lisbon to join Man Utd as he’s been appointed to replace Erik ten Hag, who was sacked at the end of last month.

The 39-year-old has a big job on his hands at Old Trafford as Man Utd are 13th in the Premier League ahead of Sunday’s match against Ipswich Town. They are also 13th in the form table.

Earlier this week, a report claimed Amorim has a ‘tight budget’ to work with next year and may struggle to bring in new players in January.

Loans and swap deals are one way to get around financial troubles and a report in Spain claims Man Utd are getting creative as they try to sign ‘dream’ target Arda Guler from Real Madrid.

The 19-year-old joined Real Madrid from Turkish outfit Fenerbahce during the 2023 summer transfer window for around £15m.

The teenager sparkled for Turkey at Euro 2024, but he’s only been a bit-part player for Real Madrid this season. He only has three La Liga starts this term.

READ: Ruben Amorim secures early ‘victory’ over Arne Slot as sacking ‘demanded’ and subtle messages sent

Guler’s lack of appearances for Real Madrid has fuelled speculation linking him with the Premier League as Arsenal and Liverpool are among the clubs interested.

Man Utd are also keen on Guler and the report in Spain claims they have ‘offered’ Real Madrid a ‘swap deal’, which includes Brazil international Antony.

The £86m flop has failed to live up to expectations at Man Utd and he’s only made two appearances off the bench in the Premier League this season.

MORE MAN UTD COVERAGE ON F365…
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A recent report claimed Amorim plans to ‘axe’ Antony as he has ‘become a disruptive influence in and around the squad’.

Man Utd are said to be ‘dreaming of signing’ Guler and ‘will try to convince Real Madrid to close a deal that seems complicated’.

‘After the recent arrival of Amorim, United are planning important changes in January. The first of them has to do with the future of Antony, one of the highest-paid players in the squad.

‘The Manchester club does not want to keep the Brazilian in the team and is looking for a right-wing player, who may be young and with potential… qualities that fit perfectly with Arda Guler, the player they would like to exchange for Antony.

‘The truth is that the Turkish star is not having the prominence he would like at the start of the season, a situation that has not gone unnoticed by United. The English team would be willing to carry out this surprising operation.

‘At Real Madrid, right now, they are not considering the departure of Arda Güler, and even less the signing of Antony.’

Basically impossible to name the top 10 Premier League managers of all time, isn’t it? So many factors, so many criteria you could give more or less importance if you wanted. Basically not worth even attempting it. Certainly nobody sensible would do so.

Anyway, here’s the top 10 Premier League managers of all time.

10) Sam Allardyce (Bolton, Newcastle, Blackburn, West Ham, Sunderland, Crystal Palace, Everton, West Brom, Leeds)
Different ways of measuring success, aren’t there? We could easily do a top 10 of just fellas who’ve actually won the league. But real talk: some of those managers are quite crap, and there’s only 11 of them. If you want Manuel Pellegrini or Roberto Mancini or Kenny Dalglish or even Claudio Ranieri in your top 10 Premier League managers then you go right ahead. We can’t and won’t stop you.

But in our view there has to be room for more than that, for success of a different kind. For, say, beating relegation in unlikely circumstances an awful lot, or for managing to get yourself sweet fat lucrative contracts again and again in a series of powerful destroy-and-exits long after you’ve passed your best.

But there’s no point pretending Sam Allardyce hasn’t been and isn’t an excellent Premier League manager. His Bolton team in particular was an absolute menace, and one that often belied Big Sam’s Big Reputation for being a no-nonsense pint-of-wine-drinking PFM of the old school.

He is definitely worth a spot – nine different Premier League teams can’t all be wrong. Although some of them definitely were and are. Still, though: imagine just how high he’d be on this list if his name were Allardici.

9) David Moyes (Everton, West Ham, Sunderland, Manchester United)
Again, it’s how you measure it, isn’t it? If you were doing 10 managers who’d had the best one-off seasons there would be no Moyes in there. But in terms of managers who define Our League over the last three decades, Moyes is right up there. Only the Big Two have taken charge of more Premier League games than Moyes and, while there’s no point pretending it’s all been good times for the Scot, it would be just as daft to pretend it’s all been a shitshow as well.

Better managers than Moyes would have struggled with the sheer scale of replacing Ferguson at Manchester United – look at Unai Emery at Arsenal for further evidence of a similar issue here – but he made Everton into something they hadn’t been since the 80s and haven’t been since: a consistent top-six team.

What he did at Goodison was already impressive at the time but only more so in hindsight, and you’d have to have a heart of stone not to enjoy the success he’s made of his second stint at West Ham. He’s taken the Hammers to sixth and then seventh in successive Premier League seasons during an era of Big Six dominance, and then landed the club’s first trophy in over 40 years.

8) Harry Redknapp (West Ham, Portsmouth, Southampton, Tottenham, QPR)
A lot of the above applies here too, but with knobs on. Because Redknapp built some brilliant sides at several of those clubs. He took West Ham to fifth, kept Portsmouth up, went and took Southampton down, kept Portsmouth up again, won the FA Cup – he remains the last English manager to win a major pot – and then took Tottenham to the Champions League having taken over with the club in a dire position. Alas, the specifics of that position are lost to the ages because nobody ever mentioned them. Suffice to say it was a very low number of points for the number of games played.

7) Mauricio Pochettino (Southampton, Tottenham, Chelsea)
Regardless of the messiness of the ending at Chelsea, his work at Southampton and especially Tottenham merits a place even though – and not a lot of people know this – he never won any trophies.

That Spurs side was mint. The 2016/17 runners-up weren’t quite the best team never to win the title but they were definitely our favourites.

His first season at Chelsea was a chaotic mess, but the blame for that lies elsewhere.

6) Rafa Benitez (Liverpool, Chelsea, Newcastle, Everton)
Ignore the Everton bit, to be honest. That was quite rubbish. But he did better than most people remember in his brief time at Chelsea and, more importantly, managed the extraordinary trick of being beloved by the fans of both Liverpool and Newcastle – the two most indulged fanbases in the game. So, you know, he must have done something right when not doing press conferences about FACTS or doing magic tricks that make on-screen graphics appear. You’ve all seen the clip.

He also won the Champions League, quite famously. That’s definitely good.

5) Jurgen Klopp (Liverpool)
‘Only one Premier League title’ has been enough for us to dismiss the claims of plenty managers here, but it’s always been a curious stick with which to beat the obviously excellent and departing Klopp. Most obviously, that ‘one Premier League title’ is the only one Liverpool have ever managed to win and ended a 30-year title drought for England’s second most successful football club which was and is quite a big deal.

More importantly, though, Klopp achieved it – and a Champions League crown for good measure – in direct competition with the most dominant team and coach the PL era has ever witnessed.

Before Mikel Arteta’s Arsenal, nobody other than Klopp’s Liverpool had even been able to live with Pep’s City. Whenever Liverpool have struggled, all other runners-up have been distant, never-in-contention stragglers.

Klopp’s teams at their best also play a ferociously, joyously watchable style of football and we make no apology for making aesthetic decisions here. We have great admiration for the clinical brilliance of Guardiola’s City but given the choice we’d rather watch Klopp’s team at their best than Pep’s.

The heavy metal football of the mentality monsters has frankly saved the Premier League from some extremely dull processions in the last six years and for that we should all be grateful.

4) Jose Mourinho (Chelsea, Manchester United, Tottenham)
Everyone’s favourite emo manager may have blotted his copybook a touch at Manchester United and especially Spurs, by which point his schtick had long since descended into a grim and joyless self-parody.

Still managed to get United to second place, though, which is as good as anyone else has managed post-Ferg, but it’s for his Chelsea years that he gets his place here. We should almost ignore what came after those two spells, because there should be no forgetting just how sensationally good he was. Manchester United and Arsenal had a cosy if hate-driven duopoly at the top of the Premier League when Mourinho came along and blew all that to bits.

His teams set records that looked set to last and last until Guardiola and Klopp came along with their nonsense, but even now no team has been as hard to break down as Mourinho’s Chelsea at their very best. Won three Premier League titles, doesn’t like to talk about it.

3) Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)
Arguably the most significant figure in turning the modern Premier League into what it is today. Without Wenger’s 20-year reign at Arsenal the first 15 years of Barclays would have been even more dominated by Ferguson’s all-conquering United. Having easily swatted away less capable challengers like Kevin Keegan, finally here was a worthy adversary for the greatest manager of them all.

As well as inventing pasta and professionalism and convincing players eight pints of mild was not perhaps the ideal big-match preparation, Wenger also transformed the whole ethos of a gigantic football club in ways that persist to this day. To younger football fans it must be genuinely baffling to learn that Arsenal were wildly successful in the late 80s and early 90s but were infamous for doing so with unappetising route-one football and relentless, unimpeachable defending. One-nil to the Arsenal and all that.

Wenger totally changed what ‘The Arsenal Way’ meant with a team that was still built from the rock-solid defensive foundations of those earlier, greyer Arsenal sides, but was now filled with startling attacking talent doing quite glorious things. Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp, Robert Pires, Freddie Ljungberg and co came to define what Arsenal were about but it was the steel of Patrick Vieira in midfield that truly completed the picture.

Great at the back, brilliant in midfield and thrilling in attack. It’s a mystery that only once did they manage to go a whole season unbeaten, frankly.

Wenger’s later years at Arsenal were less successful, and even though he was largely right about the merits and level of achievement involved in constantly finishing fourth, it did make him a slight figure of fun, which is a shame.

As is the fact he’s decided to lean into that by spending his retirement attempting to completely destroy his professorial reputation by coming up with absurdly stupid ‘solutions’ to the offside rule. But he was great once, and for an extended period of time.

2) Pep Guardiola (Manchester City)
The only truly big decision at the top end of this list is which way round to put Wenger and Guardiola. There is no doubt Guardiola has significant advantages Wenger never enjoyed – unimaginable wealth instead of just significant wealth, Manchester United being shit instead of one of the all-time great club sides ever assembled, and so forth – but the scale and totality of his dominance really is extraordinary.

It’s six titles in seven years after a season or two spent finding his feet, with the only team to deny him the title in that time an outrageously good Liverpool one that had been near-perfect but still unsuccessful the year before and simply stepped it up another level until the title was secured.

Guardiola roared back and hasn’t been stopped since. There’s now a sense that he’s even trying to make life more difficult for himself, just to make the Barclays a challenge. He trained up Arsenal’s manager, then gave them a couple of title-winners. Looked like it might backfire for a while there, but instead it gave us a couple of title races where there would otherwise have been no title race.

1) Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)
Nobody enjoys wilful, performative contrarianism more than us but it would take a level that even we’re not truly comfortable with to put anyone other than Ferguson top of this particular list.

Quite possibly the greatest manager who ever lived, he won 13 Premier League titles and bestrode the first two decades of the league’s existence. Wenger and Mourinho gave him pause, but he ultimately saw off all-comers and remains the master of mind games. Keegan and Benitez were the two to most visibly and infamously combust in the glare of Ferguson’s spotlight but they weren’t alone.

Built at least two genuinely all-time great United sides and for perhaps his best trick then won the title in his final season with what was, frankly, a deeply ordinary one. They have never come close to winning it since despite a couple of distant second-place finishes and right now seem yet again as far away as ever of coming anywhere close to the success of those Ferguson years.

There is something undeniably great about Ferguson being at least partly responsible for that. He did salt the earth a bit with the squad he left behind, and his endorsement of the really quite obviously unsuited David Moyes set United inexorably down the current benighted road.

And let’s not forget that the current ownership unpleasantness is due at least in some small part to Ferguson and a disagreement over horse semen.

But let’s also not forget that for 20 years, finishing above Ferguson’s United basically meant winning the league. They were brilliant, they were rebuilt overnight, and they were brilliant again. If they weren’t there, you could be absolutely certain they were thereabouts. And he gave us the concept of ‘Fergie Time’ which will outlive us all.

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