Bruno Fernandes may leave Manchester United but it will not be because he attended a birthday dinner with his friend…
We do talk about Bruno
So Manchester United captain Bruno Fernandes may join Al-Hilal if a) he wants to end his competitive club football career and b) Manchester United want to sell their captain for £100m, a decision that makes financial if not football sense.
In other really quite dull news, Bruno Fernandes has been out for dinner with several other people to celebrate the 31st birthday of his long-time Portugal teammate Joao Cancelo, who happens to play for Al-Hilal.
Stick this through The Sun‘s click machine (we all have one; ours is second-hand) and…
Bruno Fernandes enjoys dinner with Al-Hilal ‘secret agent’ Joao Cancelo as he faces Man Utd exit decision
Did he enjoy dinner? We don’t know; it might have been sh*t. Small plates? F*** that.
But what we do know is that he had dinner with Cancelo and many, many other people to celebrate the birthday of his friend.
‘Secret agent’? The Sun are quoting absolutely nobody there, but that’s apparently how quote marks work these days. We must move on and shrug off our old-fashioned ways.
FANS reckon Bruno Fernandes is “leaving breadcrumbs” as clues after the Manchester United skipper dined with Al-Hilal “secret agent” Joao Cancelo.
FANS? Make that one singular Manchester United fan (with one singular follower on X), who wrote that Fernandes was ‘leaving breadcrumbs’. So that’s one man who joined X in April 2025 who believes that ‘this can’t be a pure coincidence’ despite it being Cancelo’s birthday.
And that’s news?! What the actual shuddering f***.
But worse than The Sun in the eyes of Mediawatch are the other outlets who gleefully followed…
Bruno Fernandes dines with ‘Al-Hilal’s secret agent’ during Man Utd transfer exit talks
The Mirror there, doing Mirror things, taking the ‘secret agent’ line but crucially realising that the use of Cancelo’s name weakens the narrative.
Bruno Fernandes continues to be linked with a lucrative move to Saudi Arabia with Al-Hilal and has been spotted dining with Portugal pal Joao Cancelo – who has been dubbed a “secret agent” by fans as he looks to convince the Manchester United star to join him in the Middle East.
So many questions. Has he tried to ‘convince’ him? Or was he maybe just enjoying his birthday? And most pertinently to our addled brain, which fans have ‘dubbed’ him a ‘secret agent’? Even your ‘breadcrumbs’ man did not go that far.
And then come MailOnline…
Bruno Fernandes is spotted dining with Al-Hilal ‘secret agent’ as Man United captain weighs up £200m Saudi mega-move
‘Spotted’? He obviously went to great lengths to avoid being uncovered, having sat next to the birthday boy as somebody filmed the arrival of a birthday cake.
And as of 11.30am on Monday, the Mail considered this the very biggest story in football…that a man attended the birthday dinner of his friend.
Yes, they’re still peddling the ‘secret agent’ line. No, they’re not quoting anybody at all. But where one leads, others shamelessly follow with even higher levels of stinking bum-water.
How much is that £62.5m player in the window?
Mediawatch is fascinated by the rabid fascination with player wages across the football media. As far as we’re concerned, they all earn a f***-load of money and there is very little else to be said.
So how is this the very biggest story in football according to The Sun on Monday morning?
Matheus Cunha becomes Man Utd’s joint fourth highest earner as his wages are revealed – and he could soon rise to second
Even if we ignore the fact that Cunha is actually the joint-fifth highest earner according to The Sun’s own figures (‘only Casemiro, Bruno Fernandes, Marcus Rashford and Mason Mount take home more’), and that the ‘reveal’ came six days ago in the Daily Telegraph, how is this even remotely news?
United have spent £62.5m on Cunha, he is the biggest transfer in the world this summer, was there an expectation that he would accept £80,000 a week?
MATHEUS CUNHA has become one of the highest-earning players at Manchester United.
Guys, it would only be a story if he wasn’t among United’s highest earners.
