Would Liverpool be any good without Mohamed Salah? Would Manchester United be in a relegation battle if Bruno Fernandes didn’t exist? Just how screwed will Newcastle be when Alexander Isak leaves?
We’ve worked out what the Premier League table would look like without each club’s greatest contributor of goals and assists this season.
It’s not the actual MVP because y’know, centre-backs exist, and we’re fully aware of the flaws that we’ve decided to ignore in coming up with this. If Cole Palmer didn’t exist then someone far sh*tter but still capable of a goal would be playing in his place, for example.
But we would ask you to suspend your disbelief and instead enjoy a world in which Liverpool aren’t running away with the Premier League and Tottenham are in the race for Champions League football. It’s fun, alright?
We’ve taken points away that were won as a direct result of the MVP goals or assists, though not if those contributions were cancelled out by the MVP playing for the opposition. So although Liam Delap scored a brace against Aston Villa at Portman Road it wasn’t worth anything as MVP counterpart Ollie Watkins got a goal and assist.
It’s less complicated than it sounds. Essentially, it’s the Premier League table if every team played every game with 10 men, with those level on points separated by goal difference just like in the humdrum actual table that may well become obsolete when people learn of this far more logical method of crowning the champions.
1) Arsenal: 44 points
Bukayo Saka (G5, A10): -10
Arsenal fans probably wouldn’t be enjoying what is this very real and valid lead at the top of the No MVP Premier League Table had their MVP not been struck down by injury for a fair chunk of the campaign, and they may argue that they would probably be closer to the top of the actual Premier League table had he not been. But they’re in absolutely no position to turn their noses up at wins like this.
2) Liverpool: 41 points
Mohamed Salah (G25, A17): -26
It’s all ridiculous: 42 goal contributions in 28 games; 63% of Liverpool’s goals thanks to him; 39% of their points thanks to him. And fears of not having him that have been allayed in no way shape or form by Federico Chiesa linger threateningly during this outstanding season of theirs with his future still up in the air. How do you replace Mohamed Salah? You don’t.
READ MORE: Mo Salah: GOAT Premier League winger and Ballon d’Or favourite is Liverpool’s third-top scorer ever
3) Chelsea: 40 points
Cole Palmer (G14, A6): -6
The eye test would suggest Chelsea are among the most One-Man Teams in the Premier League, with their recent struggles coinciding with a dip in Palmer’s form, but his goals and assists haven’t actually been all that points-worthy. Chelsea would be unwatchable without him, mind.
4) Nottingham Forest: 36 points
Chris Wood (G18, A3): -12
Not as big a drop as we would have thought given Wood’s been involved in nearly 50% of Forest’s 44 goals this season. The real MVP is surely one of the centre-backs or Matz Sels.
5) Brighton: 35 points
Joao Pedro (G7, A6): -8
Pedro scored the winner against Manchester United, got the equalisers home and away against Arsenal, got a goal and an assist in the 2-1 wins over Manchester City and Bournemouth, and two assists in a draw with Aston Villa. Big. Game. Player.
6) Fulham: 35 points
Raul Jimenez (G10, A3): -7
Fulham share the contributions around nicely with Antonee Robinson and Alex Iwobi both joining Jimenez on double figures, while Emile Smith Rowe, Harry Wilson, Rodrigo Muniz, Adama Traore and Andreas Pereira are all on 5+.
READ: Man Utd in relegation zone: Ranking every Premier League club’s striker options
7) Tottenham: 33 points
Son Heung-min (G6, A9): -0
We were slightly surprised to see the captain leading the goal contributions way for Spurs having watched a number of games in which he appears to have done f*** all, and feel a lot better about writing him off given his goals and assists have been worth f*** all. Delightful to see Tottenham in the race for Champions League football in this alternate reality.
8) Bournemouth: 33 points
Justin Kluivert (G12, A5): -10
Only Salah (7) has scored more than Kluivert’s six penalties, but the Dutchman’s also smashed in some absolute bangers this season.
9) Manchester City: 32 points
Erling Haaland (G20, A3): -15
There’s a case to be made that he’s been Manchester City’s only good player this season, and there will be dozens of people reading this claiming Haaland has also been sh*te despite scoring 20 goals in 26 games.
10) Everton: 31 points
Beto (G6, A0): -1
Iliman Ndiaye’s also got six goals and Dwight McNeil’s also tied with three goals and three assists, but we went with Beto because the other two’s contributions have been more impactful and we would prefer to live a world in which Everton are just one point behind Manchester City.
11) Aston Villa: 31 points
Ollie Watkins (G12, A6): -11
There were a few eyebrows raised when Villa sold Jhon Duran to Saudi Arabia and kept Ollie Watkins amid interest from Arsenal, but Duran’s goals (he hadn’t got an assist) had been worth 10 points compared to Watkins’ 11 at time of departure.
12) Brentford: 29 points
Bryan Mbeumo (G15, A4): -9
Brentford are your classic Two-Man Team and missing both Mbeumo and Yoane Wissa would see them drop to 16th on 21 points.
13) Newcastle: 28 points
Alexander Isak (G19, A5): -16
We can’t quite work out if it’s ironic or entirely unironic that Newcastle are wholly reliant on Alexander Isak to claim a Champions League qualification spot which may well be the only way they can keep Alexander Isak.
14) Crystal Palace: 27 points
Jean Philippe-Mateta (G12, A2): -9
28 goals under Oliver Glasner at a rate of one every 128 minutes is a record worthy of a swift boot to the face to avoid falling foul of.
15) Manchester United: 26 points
Bruno Fernandes (G6, A7): -7
Ian Wright claimed Manchester United would be “in a relegation battle” without him and Roy Keane really should have shouted back amid all the “f*** offs” and our genuine concern for the safety of his fellow podcasters that ONLY FIVE TEAMS HAVE AN MVP WITH A SMALLER IMPACT.
READ MORE: Roy Keane is right, the Man Utd redundancy ‘blame’ upset proves they’re ‘f***ing imposters’
16) West Ham: 26 points
Jarrod Bowen (G7, A4): -9
That’s almost a point per goal contribution, which is a lot. A man for the big moment.
17) Wolves: 14 points
Matheus Cunha (G13, A4): -8
A taste of what’s to come for Wolves in the next two games after Cunha entirely lost his tiny mind against Bournemouth, and probably what’s to come next season if Arsenal or his other suitors decide to spend £50m on a less volatile footballer.
READ MORE: Cunha incredible head-loss costs Wolves as Manchester City avoid Liverpool slip
18) Ipswich: 11 points
Liam Delap (G10, A2): -6
It must be hugely frustrating for Ipswich fans that Delap has been plenty good enough to ensure he won’t be playing for Ipswich next season but not good enough to ensure they won’t be playing against him in the Premier League.
19) Leicester: 10 points
Jamie Vardy (G7, A3): -7
He also contributed to around 40% of Leicester’s goals in the 2015/2016 season, to slightly better effect.
20) Southampton: 7 points
Adam Armstrong (G2, A2): -2
So much to be depressed about as a Southampton fan and West Brom striker Adam Armstrong leading the G/A charts with four is one of those things.
