‘What do we want to happen?’ is a frequent question on the F365 staff message group and usually the answer is a variant on ‘whatever is funniest’. So Manchester United being catastrophically bad was wonderful until it became more tragic than tragi-comic, Chelsea spending 427 billion on players and failing to win the Conference League would be nectar, Manchester City falling apart but Mikel Arteta still somehow failing to win the title with Arsenal is truly golden.
We are biased. Not against your team but in favour of the better, usually funnier, narrative.
Which is how we arrive at the juncture where we desperately want Manchester United to win the Europa League.
There’s a fork in the road here. If United fail against Lyon or Rangers or Bodø/Glimt, you get one day of mild amusement, but how shocked would we really be to see the team 14th in the Premier League table – with form to match – lose to the fourth best in France, the bridesmaids of Scotland or the champions of Norway? If it were Brentford or Crystal Palace, we would not be surprised at all. And we are approaching that point with this rancid version of United.
There would be bombastic headlines about the budget of Manchester United compared to the combined might of both Bodø and Glimt, and endlessly dull nonsense about the lack of respect shown to Scottish football should they lose to Rangers, but it would essentially be one poor team with no momentum losing to a slightly better team under managers who are not trying to install a new plane engine mid-flight.
The schadenfreude would be forced and it would have a shelf life.
It would be far, far more rewarding if this Manchester United side became easily the worst Premier League side in history to qualify for the Champions League.
It was not funny in 2017 when the Reds won the Europa League to qualify for the Champions League because that version of United picked up 69 points from 38 games that season. For context, Manchester City are likely to land around that mark in 2024/25 and nobody will argue that they do not belong among the elite.
And that United was managed by Jose Mourinho, and him winning another trophy is never funny. Galling, yes. Funny, no.
But this Manchester United? With their comedy goalkeeper(s), their striker-less (by accident) formation, their non-functioning midfield and their utter over-reliance on one nowty footballer? Now that is a delicious narrative.
It’s particularly funny because it would be another major trophy – their third in three largely clownish years and their fifth of the so-called Banter Era since the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson. By any measure outside of Manchester City, Liverpool and Chelsea, that equals success. And it would land them exactly where Arsenal will be next season: in the Champions League. That is undeniably funny.
It’s no exaggeration to say that Manchester United would likely need seven or eight new first-team players not to do a Girona if not a Young Boys in next season’s Champions League; it is borderline ludicrous that Nottingham Forest or Aston Villa could fall into the Europa or even Conference League while a team with half the points of the champions-elect take a seat at the top table.
Would it feel fair? No. But would it be funny? Oh yes.
So what do we want to happen? Well, obviously defeat for Tottenham and a mad scramble for a new manager which makes no sense and undeserved, discombobulating Manchester United glory please.
