After months of complaints that Ruben Amorim was having to answer questions about the deeper and darker goings-on at Manchester United that were nothing to do with him and should instead be answered by Sir Jim Ratcliffe, some of those questions were at last posed to the cartoon supervillain in extremely gentle softball fashion by Gary Neville, instantly and immediately prompting us to ask that Sir Jim never be allowed to speak again.
The interview did not go well.
At one point his head fell clean off when Gary Neville suggested the idea of a Sportsman’s Dinner – something that neither Sir Scrooge McRatcliffe or apparently anybody at all at Manchester United has ever heard of – as a way to raise the tiny handfuls of cash he has been running around trying to save in increasingly absurd penny-pinching miser fashion.
Indeed, so bad was the interview that Manchester United had no choice but to try and deflect attention from it by immediately announcing they were going to replace Old Trafford with a 100,000-seat Meccano circus tent and that what’s more it will be built in double-quick record-breaking time, because canals.
It’s hard to imagine how Ratcliffe’s attempt at a cosy criticism-silencing chat with the Neviller could have gone worse, but we’ve not let that stop us trying.
Here are just some of the even worse things Sir Jim Ratcliffe could have done:
* Proudly declared he is incapable of sweating, while visibly sweating.
* Responded to questions about Old Trafford’s leaky roof by embarking on a lengthy anecdote about visiting a Pizza Express in Woking.
* Insisted that Ruben Amorim “is not a communist; he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star”.
* Told Neville that United fans “don’t know they’re born” and “should be more grateful”.
* Pinned the blame for Manchester United’s travails on the Woke Mind Virus.
* Announced that he had reappointed Erik Ten Hag.
* Announced that he had reappointed Louis van Gaal.
* Announced that he had reappointed Jose Mourinho.
* Announces that he had reappoin…well you get the idea with that.
* Repeated Ed Woodward’s transparently absurd claim that Manchester United have one billion fans and followers; oh wait, no he did do this one.
* Worn a Make Man United Great Again hat.
* Looked disarmingly straight down the camera to tell Man Utd’s few remaining staff that “some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make”.
* Answered every question with the words This Is Manchester United Football Club We’re Talking About, waiting for Neville to nod in agreement that this had once again acceptably explained everything. Thinking about it, this would actually have been better than what he did do, so scratch that.
* Earnestly told Gary that these days, if you say you’re English, you’ll be arrested and thrown in jail. He’s get less grief if he were called Jim Ratcliffidico.
* Referred to Liverpool as LiVARpool with a knowing wink.
* Responded to a particularly probing question about the former players’ charity by standing to his full height, removing his shirt and giving forth a full-throated, red-faced, wild-eyed rendition of “if the Nevilles can play for England, so can I”…
* Denied the existence of Spain.
* Ended each of his answers with the words “in accordance with the prophecy…”
* Sworn allegiance to the Lizard Queen.
