With Aaron Wan-Bissaka finally giving up on England, we needed a new right-back for our uncapped XI. And a £50m signing pushes his way in.
GOALKEEPER: James Trafford (Burnley, not England)
He’s back in the Premier League and he’s back in the England squad, replacing the relegated Aaron Ramsdale, joining Jordan Pickford and Dean Henderson, and hoping that he keeps his place in this Clarets’ team after a sterling season in the Championship. At 22, he has a genuine chance to be Pickford’s long-term replacement.
RIGHT-BACK: Djed Spence (Tottenham, not England)
With Aaron Wan-Bissaka finally giving up on England (if you remain uncapped as an English right-back under Gareth Southgate, it ain’t ever going to happen), we turn to Spence, who showed his chops with fine displays on both sides of the Spurs defence last season before eventually settling back on the bench.
CENTRE-BACK: Sven Botman (Newcastle United, not Netherlands)
After finally making it back to the Dutch bench in 2023 – after almost three years – for the Nations League finals, Botman’s knee has largely kept him out since. Even Brighton’s Jan Paul van Hecke has been capped while Botman has been sidelined.
CENTRE-BACK: Leny Yoro (Manchester United, not France)
With Murillo capped by Brazil, we needed a new centre-back and landed upon Manchester United’s very expensive teenager, whose development has been curtailed by a) injuries and b) United being really quite sh*te. There are only about 25 French centre-backs standing in the way of him and a full international call-up.
LEFT-BACK: Rico Henry (Brentford, not England)
He’s only 27 and he’s right there. We’re old enough to remember ‘England left-back Nicky Shorey’ being A Thing and Henry is back fit and playing for Brentford. He might not be the long-term answer but neither is Thomas Tuchel the long-term England manager.
CENTRAL MIDFIELD: Elliot Anderson (Nottingham Forest, not England or Scotland)
A PSR sale by Newcastle United last summer, but Anderson has been revelatory for Nottingham Forest after an absolutely stellar season that saw him start every Premier League game since early December. He has previously been called up by Scotland but six recent appearances for England’s Under-21s suggest that the Englishman regards himself as English.
CENTRAL MIDFIELD: Nico Gonzalez (Manchester City, not Spain)
Very, very expensive for an uncapped player but City paid a January tax on Nico, who had represented Spain at every level bar the big one. He did not make himself indispensable in his first few months in England – he did not start the FA Cup final – but his career is far more advanced than other uncapped options like Harvey Elliott and Archie Gray.
RIGHT WING: Ethan Nwaneri (Arsenal, not England)
There was A Clamour in March but Tuchel resisted, with Nwaneri fast-tracked into the England Under-21 set-up instead, where he will play alongside Elliott, now one of the most senior members of that squad. Nwaneri started 11 Premier League games last season as Bukayo Saka and Martin Odegaard had spells on the sidelines; he might be well-positioned for a World Cup party gatecrash.
ATTACKING MIDFIELD: Harvey Elliott (Liverpool, not England)
Likely on his way out of Liverpool this summer with a Premier League winner’s medal in his back pocket but with only two starts after the title was already won. Along with Jack Grealish, he needs a move this summer if he harbours any World Cup ambitions.
LEFT WING: Jacob Ramsey (Aston Villa, not England)
Unai Emery started that Champions League win over actual Bayern Munich with an English front four of Ramsey, Rogers and Jaden Philogene behind Ollie Watkins. “He is a potentially big, big player in Aston Villa and England,” says Emery, who ensured the club resisted attention from Newcastle and Tottenham last summer as they eyed a PSR bargain.
Was squeezed a little by the loan signing of Marcus Rashford but still started 19 Premier League games.
STRIKER: Jean-Philippe Mateta (Crystal Palace, not France)
He played for France (and thrived) at the Olympics and then appealed to actual French boss Didier Deschamps in September, saying: “It’s always been in my head. It’s a childhood dream. It’s the jersey I want to wear.”
Deschamps has so far resisted even as Mateta has scored 14 Premier League goals; in his slight defence, he has a few middling options like Kylian Mbappe, Ousmane Dembele, Marcus Thuram and Randal Kolo Muani at his disposal. Spoilsport.
As for Mateta…Manchester United could do a lot worse.
