We’re closing in on the end of the January transfer window and we can barely contain our excitement ahead of deadline day and all those incredible moves that will be feverishly discussed before coming to nothing.
Arsenal’s increasing desperation to land a striker despite Mikel Arteta’s insistence that they will only sign The Right Player is a good laugh and nobody wanting Marcus Rashford provides some enduring intrigue as Ruben Amorim faces a reintegration dilemma that proved to be the middle of the end for his predecessor.
There will be other stuff happening too; it may actually be reasonably interesting. Not for these five players though, who – barring very left-field moves – won’t be going anywhere this month and can count themselves very fortunate not to have either been usurped by a new signing or sold.
Without a significant upturn in form in the second half of the season these five lucky Premier League stars will be upgraded and moved on by their clubs in the summer.
Robert Sanchez (Chelsea)
Not only are his five errors leading to a goal the most of any player in the Premier League this season, that’s also the most on record by a Chelsea player in an entire campaign; and we’re in January. The last of those errors came against Manchester City, when he lost possession 19 times.
Enzo Maresca says he still “trusts” him and weirdly asked “how many times Moi [Caicedo] missed a pass?” in defence of his goalkeeper, wilfully ignorant of the difference between a goalkeeper and midfielder making a mistake, along with his Chelsea bosses who bury their heads in the sand over the obvious need for a new goalkeeper.
It’s got too the point now where we’re tracing Sanchez’s lineage to see which mob family has put the squeeze on Behdad Eghbali to keep him in the Chelsea team. We get that when he’s good he’s very good but you don’t want peaks and troughs from your goalkeeper and they will win nothing with him as their No.1.
READ MORE: Who is the best goalkeeper in the Premier League in 24/25?
Darwin Nunez (Liverpool)
It’s testament to Liverpool’s generally excellent recruitment that their club-record signing can be a bit pants and they can still be way out in front at the top of the Premier League, having cruised through the Champions League group stage to keep them on course for the quadruple.
If the £85m they had spent on a central striker had proved to be good value for money we might currently be enjoying the best Premier League team in history. Darwin Nunez has not proved to be good value for money.
He’s less fortunate to have survived the window than the other players on this list by virtue of Liverpool having more than enough in-form forward options to cope with his profligacy, but while we will always have a soft spot for his chaos in the name of pure entertainment we’re now at a point where doubts as to whether he will come good have turned into near certainty that he won’t.
Rasmus Hojlund (Manchester United)
What we keep hearing is that he doesn’t get enough chances; that’s fair. It’s not as though a consistent feature of Manchester United games is seeing Hojlund with head in hands as the fans groan at another spurned opportunity. But it’s also just as much his fault as his teammates’ that he’s not getting those chances.
How are those opportunities supposed to be created for him if he can’t hold the ball up to get his team up the pitch? An increasing number of United moves break down because of a poor Hojlund touch or him giving the ball away in some manner or other.
It’s telling that Hojlund was one of three untouchables along with Kobbie Mainoo and Alejandro Garnacho when Sir Jim Ratcliffe and Ineos first rolled in, and when their stance changed to make everyone available for transfer, interest immediately emerged in Mainoo and Garnacho but there’s not been even the slightest hint of a rumour of anyone wanting Hojlund. Because why would they?
He’s a £64m striker who not only doesn’t score goals but makes the team worse through what he does – or rather doesn’t do – besides.
Ilkay Gundogan (Manchester City)
We’re not really sure we’ve ever quite known what Gundogan is as a footballer. In the past that’s been a positive: he couldn’t be pigeonholed, floating through games as a player you wouldn’t necessarily notice if you weren’t focusing on him, but appreciated hugely when you did. Now it’s more a case of not knowing the point of him.
We don’t know exactly what Barcelona stripped from him but he’s returned to City without whatever bit made him good at football, with the all too easy Not Having Rodri excuse we assume he’s using along with everyone else debunked on several occasions this season – like in the second half against Club Brugge when City turned defeat into victory – when Guardiola’s side have very simply been better off without him.
Gundogan must be as baffled as the rest of us that City have spent £130m in January and still not signed a replacement for Rodri.
Leon Bailey (Aston Villa)
He’s one of the most frustrating players in the Premier League. We’re not sure there’s anyone who so consistently makes himself a yard to cross or shoot before turning that opportunity down for a less presentable one a couple of seconds later.
He has an incredible habit of managing to look like one of the best wingers in the world and also someone who would trip over a matchbox if he attempted to hurdle it in the same attempted dribble.
One goal and three assists in 28 appearances is a really pretty honking return for a forward playing for a team in the Champions League and while Donyell Malen’s arrival hasn’t yet proven to be his end, it’s surely nigh.
