Manchester United are in a mess but somebody would like you to believe that they are about to sign Liam Delap and/or Viktor Gyokeres.
Man United Chelsea transfer news LIVE
Manchester United lost the Europa League final and then lost to ASEAN All-Stars but it’s the job of the Manchester Evening News to bring all of the good news to United fans. Even when there is no good news.
Which is how arrive rather amusingly here:
Man United transfer news LIVE – Viktor Gyokeres ‘enquiry’, Liam Delap ‘close’, Ederson battle
Sounds brilliant until you read on and realise that it’s Chelsea who have made an ‘enquiry’ for Gyokeres and Chelsea who are ‘close’ to a Delap deal. We have no update as yet on Ederson but we would not be entirely surprised if United were in a battle they will never win with Chelsea.
It’s all excellent transfer news LIVE for Chelsea, not so much for Man United.
Elsewhere on the same website and on the same theme, United are about to pull off a ‘masterstroke’:
Man United given green light to complete ‘free’ Bryan Mbeumo transfer with brutal sale
Of course, we now know that Mbeumo is far closer to a transfer elsewhere – to Newcastle United – but we are still intrigued by the notion that the Brentford winger could be available for ‘free’.
You will be shocked to know that it is a nonsense argument based on the notion that Alejandro Garnacho will raise roughly the same fee as Mbeumo, and it ends on this wonderful note:
Selling Garnacho, a player who doesn’t suit Amorim’s system, to bring in Mbeumo – one of the Premier League’s most consistent performers in the past 12 months – for the same price would be a masterstroke from Ineos.
It absolutely would. It really is all marvellous news for Manchester United after all.
Read the room
The Daily Telegraph begin their match report from Poland thus:
After three years and a total spend of more than £1 billion under the Todd Boehly-Clearlake Capital consortium, it was ultimately fitting that the best signing of them all was the one who delivered the first trophy of this new era at Chelsea. It may be Boehly and Clearlake’s club, but this is unquestionably Cole Palmer’s team.
For Chelsea’s supporters, it will be remembered as the night they “completed the set”, becoming the first side to win all of Uefa’s major tournaments. For the rest of the footballing world, though, this will be remembered as Palmer’s final.
Nope. No f***er will remember it. Happy to help.
Never mind the rollicks
We can understand the desire to make Chelsea winning the Conference League a tad more exciting that it is, but this is nonsense from The Sun:
Reece James overheard by TNT Sports presenter rollocking Chelsea team-mates at half-time of Conference League final
First, it’s ‘rollicking’; we understand that it’s easily confused with the meaning-adjacent ‘bollocking’, but this was neither.
What TNT Sports reporter Becky Ives actually said: “I heard you in the dressing room really geeing up the team.”
What rollocking/rollicking means: ‘An occasion when someone tells you in a very angry way that you have done something wrong.’
Doesn’t sound an awful lot like a ‘geeing up’, does it?
Clear as Mudryk
Elsewhere in The Sun as they ring every last ounce of blood out of the Conference League:
Mykhailo Mudryk left out of Chelsea trophy celebrations despite travelling to Poland in his club kit to collect a medal
He was wearing a club gilet guys; he was not having a John Terry full-kit w***er moment.
And he was never going to be let on the pitch. By that measure, Mediawatch was left out of Chelsea trophy celebrations too. We’re f***ing seething.
How bizarre
The obsession with certain words in our f***ed-up media landscape leads to publishers like MailOnline over-egging the pudding…
Bizarre moment Man United stars ask locals to PAY for their e-scooters during controversial post-season tour of Malaysia
Have you ever tried to hire a bike or e-scooter in a foreign country? It’s more genius than ‘bizarre’ that Man United stars asked locals to pay (sorry, PAY) for them.
And then there’s this…
Enzo Maresca reveals bizarre reason why Reece James did not start the Conference League final – and reveals what Chelsea captain told him after coming on in comeback win
The ‘bizarre’ reason? James is being ‘managed’ because he played 90 minutes on Sunday and he’s not played two full games in a week for about two years.
That’s not ‘bizarre’; that’s science.
