Would Liverpool be any good without Mohamed Salah? Would Manchester United be in a relegation battle if Bruno Fernandes didn’t exist? Just how screwed will Newcastle be when Alexander Isak leaves?

We’ve worked out what the Premier League table would look like without each club’s greatest contributor of goals and assists this season.

It’s not the actual MVP because y’know, centre-backs exist, and we’re fully aware of the flaws that we’ve decided to ignore in coming up with this. If Cole Palmer didn’t exist then someone far sh*tter but still capable of a goal would be playing in his place, for example.

But we would ask you to suspend your disbelief and instead enjoy a world in which Liverpool aren’t running away with the Premier League and Tottenham are in the race for Champions League football. It’s fun, alright?

We’ve taken points away that were won as a direct result of the MVP goals or assists, though not if those contributions were cancelled out by the MVP playing for the opposition. So although Liam Delap scored a brace against Aston Villa at Portman Road it wasn’t worth anything as MVP counterpart Ollie Watkins got a goal and assist.

It’s less complicated than it sounds. Essentially, it’s the Premier League table if every team played every game with 10 men, with those level on points separated by goal difference just like in the humdrum actual table that may well become obsolete when people learn of this far more logical method of crowning the champions.

1) Arsenal: 44 points
Bukayo Saka (G5, A10): -10

Arsenal fans probably wouldn’t be enjoying what is this very real and valid lead at the top of the No MVP Premier League Table had their MVP not been struck down by injury for a fair chunk of the campaign, and they may argue that they would probably be closer to the top of the actual Premier League table had he not been. But they’re in absolutely no position to turn their noses up at wins like this.

2) Liverpool: 41 points
Mohamed Salah (G25, A17): -26

It’s all ridiculous: 42 goal contributions in 28 games; 63% of Liverpool’s goals thanks to him; 39% of their points thanks to him. And fears of not having him that have been allayed in no way shape or form by Federico Chiesa linger threateningly during this outstanding season of theirs with his future still up in the air. How do you replace Mohamed Salah? You don’t.

READ MORE: Mo Salah: GOAT Premier League winger and Ballon d’Or favourite is Liverpool’s third-top scorer ever

3) Chelsea: 40 points
Cole Palmer (G14, A6): -6

The eye test would suggest Chelsea are among the most One-Man Teams in the Premier League, with their recent struggles coinciding with a dip in Palmer’s form, but his goals and assists haven’t actually been all that points-worthy. Chelsea would be unwatchable without him, mind.

4) Nottingham Forest: 36 points
Chris Wood (G18, A3): -12

Not as big a drop as we would have thought given Wood’s been involved in nearly 50% of Forest’s 44 goals this season. The real MVP is surely one of the centre-backs or Matz Sels.

5) Brighton: 35 points
Joao Pedro (G7, A6): -8

Pedro scored the winner against Manchester United, got the equalisers home and away against Arsenal, got a goal and an assist in the 2-1 wins over Manchester City and Bournemouth, and two assists in a draw with Aston Villa. Big. Game. Player.

6) Fulham: 35 points
Raul Jimenez (G10, A3): -7

Fulham share the contributions around nicely with Antonee Robinson and Alex Iwobi both joining Jimenez on double figures, while Emile Smith Rowe, Harry Wilson, Rodrigo Muniz, Adama Traore and Andreas Pereira are all on 5+.

READ: Man Utd in relegation zone: Ranking every Premier League club’s striker options

7) Tottenham: 33 points
Son Heung-min (G6, A9): -0

We were slightly surprised to see the captain leading the goal contributions way for Spurs having watched a number of games in which he appears to have done f*** all, and feel a lot better about writing him off given his goals and assists have been worth f*** all. Delightful to see Tottenham in the race for Champions League football in this alternate reality.

8) Bournemouth: 33 points
Justin Kluivert (G12, A5): -10

Only Salah (7) has scored more than Kluivert’s six penalties, but the Dutchman’s also smashed in some absolute bangers this season.

9) Manchester City: 32 points
Erling Haaland (G20, A3): -15

There’s a case to be made that he’s been Manchester City’s only good player this season, and there will be dozens of people reading this claiming Haaland has also been sh*te despite scoring 20 goals in 26 games.

10) Everton: 31 points
Beto (G6, A0): -1

Iliman Ndiaye’s also got six goals and Dwight McNeil’s also tied with three goals and three assists, but we went with Beto because the other two’s contributions have been more impactful and we would prefer to live a world in which Everton are just one point behind Manchester City.

11) Aston Villa: 31 points
Ollie Watkins (G12, A6): -11

There were a few eyebrows raised when Villa sold Jhon Duran to Saudi Arabia and kept Ollie Watkins amid interest from Arsenal, but Duran’s goals (he hadn’t got an assist) had been worth 10 points compared to Watkins’ 11 at time of departure.

12) Brentford: 29 points
Bryan Mbeumo (G15, A4): -9

Brentford are your classic Two-Man Team and missing both Mbeumo and Yoane Wissa would see them drop to 16th on 21 points.

13) Newcastle: 28 points
Alexander Isak (G19, A5): -16

We can’t quite work out if it’s ironic or entirely unironic that Newcastle are wholly reliant on Alexander Isak to claim a Champions League qualification spot which may well be the only way they can keep Alexander Isak.

14) Crystal Palace: 27 points
Jean Philippe-Mateta (G12, A2): -9

28 goals under Oliver Glasner at a rate of one every 128 minutes is a record worthy of a swift boot to the face to avoid falling foul of.

15) Manchester United: 26 points
Bruno Fernandes (G6, A7): -7

Ian Wright claimed Manchester United would be “in a relegation battle” without him and Roy Keane really should have shouted back amid all the “f*** offs” and our genuine concern for the safety of his fellow podcasters that ONLY FIVE TEAMS HAVE AN MVP WITH A SMALLER IMPACT.

READ MORE: Roy Keane is right, the Man Utd redundancy ‘blame’ upset proves they’re ‘f***ing imposters’

16) West Ham: 26 points
Jarrod Bowen (G7, A4): -9

That’s almost a point per goal contribution, which is a lot. A man for the big moment.

17) Wolves: 14 points
Matheus Cunha (G13, A4): -8

A taste of what’s to come for Wolves in the next two games after Cunha entirely lost his tiny mind against Bournemouth, and probably what’s to come next season if Arsenal or his other suitors decide to spend £50m on a less volatile footballer.

READ MORE: Cunha incredible head-loss costs Wolves as Manchester City avoid Liverpool slip

18) Ipswich: 11 points
Liam Delap (G10, A2): -6

It must be hugely frustrating for Ipswich fans that Delap has been plenty good enough to ensure he won’t be playing for Ipswich next season but not good enough to ensure they won’t be playing against him in the Premier League.

19) Leicester: 10 points
Jamie Vardy (G7, A3): -7

He also contributed to around 40% of Leicester’s goals in the 2015/2016 season, to slightly better effect.

20) Southampton: 7 points
Adam Armstrong (G2, A2): -2

So much to be depressed about as a Southampton fan and West Brom striker Adam Armstrong leading the G/A charts with four is one of those things.

Man Utd are looking to replace goalkeeper Andre Onana in the summer with AC Milan’s Mike Maignan emerging as their top target, according to reports.

The Red Devils have been struggling in many aspects of their play this season with Man Utd currently 14th in the Premier League after 27 matches.

Ruben Amorim’s side also exited the FA Cup on Sunday on penalties to Premier League rivals Fulham, while their final hope of silverware comes in the Europa League.

Goalscoring has been one of the main concerns this season with only five Premier League sides scoring fewer goals than Man Utd this campaign.

Joshua Zirkzee and Rasmus Hojlund have scored just five Premier League goals between them and there are rumours a new centre-forward will be a priority in the summer.

However, Onana has also struggled at times this season with the Cameroonian producing some fantastic saves but also a number of errors leading to goals.

Man Utd have conceded 39 goals in 27 Premier League matches and there have been reports that some staff are ‘concerned’ at Onana’s displays this season.

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And now Italian website Milan Live claim that Man Utd are ‘ready to make a move’ for Milan goalkeeper Maignan after Onana ‘has never fully convinced since his arrival in Manchester’.

The Man Utd goalkeeper’s ‘farewell at the end of the championship at this moment seems more than a remote possibility’ and that ‘could translate into an assault on Maignan, who however must be convinced with an excellent economic offer and with a project less deficient than the one realised in recent years’.

On Maignan, it appears his ‘farewell’ from Milan in the summer is ‘now certain’ with the report adding:

‘With a contract expiring in 2026 and a renewal that is slow in coming, despite the parties having been discussing it for some time, it is clear that the French goalkeeper’s future will have to be decided in the summer.

‘And without a signature on the extension, his farewell seems a foregone conclusion, to say the least, to avoid losing a player of this weight on a free transfer after a few months.’

Former Man Utd defender Paul Parker has criticised Onana’s “mentality” and wants to see a replacement brought in during the summer “in an ideal world”.

Parker told SpilXperten: “I can’t help but think about why the club let David de Gea go.

“It was a really disgraceful way they parted with him after he was named Player of the Year three times in a row, and right now, it looks even more ridiculous because his replacement is so useless.

“Another thing I really don’t like about Onana is his mentality. It doesn’t seem to bother him when Manchester United concedes a goal.

“You never see him standing there shouting or scolding his defense, like De Gea or Peter Schmeichel always did. For them, keeping a clean sheet was a matter of life and death. It meant everything to them.”

Parker added: “In an ideal world, Man United should buy a new goalkeeper to replace Onana. He’s just not good enough, and I don’t think he even looks like a goalkeeper at all.

“Right now, I think [Altay] Bayindir should get a chance, but in the long run, the club should go for Mads Hermansen, who has single-handedly kept Leicester somewhat afloat this season.

“I think he has it all. He’s a fantastic shot-stopper, he’s good with his feet, and he has a strong attitude. As a centre-back, I would be scared to have him behind me, but in a good way, because he has such a strong aura.

“The problem is probably that the goalkeeper position won’t be a priority for a new signing, as there are so many other issues in other positions that need strengthening.”

The Man Utd dressing room have been debating whether Ruben Amorim should drop Andre Onana as the Red Devils board ‘regret’ buying him, according to reports.

Man Utd are having a terrible time this season with the Red Devils currently 14th in the Premier League and a staggering 34 points behind leaders Liverpool.

The Red Devils sacked Erik ten Hag at the end of October and replaced the Dutchman with Ruben Amorim – but the new Portuguese head coach has struggled to turn around their fortunes.

Man Utd have actually produced worse performances and displays since Amorim took charge with the players struggling to adjust to his playing style, philosophy and formation.

The Red Devils have particularly struggled to score with only five Premier League clubs scoring fewer goals than Man Utd this season – but the goalkeeping department has also been causing issues recently.

There have been rumours that Amorim is ready to make a change in net at the end of the season with a number of new goalkeepers being linked, including AC Milan’s Mike Maignan.

Onana has produced some fantastic pieces of goalkeeping to keep Man Utd in games this season but he has also become very error prone and Spanish publication Fichajes insists the Red Devils board ‘regret’ signing the Cameroonian.

The report adds:

‘False starts, mistakes in footwork and a palpable insecurity have put his continuity as a starter in doubt. What initially seemed like a strategic signing to reinforce the goal has now become one of the most questioned decisions of the recent transfer market.

‘Patience is running out at United. The lack of guarantees between the sticks has led the club to rethink its trust in Onana and to analyse possible solutions for next season. In the dressing room and among the fans, the debate about whether the Cameroonian should continue as the main goalkeeper is more alive than ever, and the pressure on him grows with each match.

‘The big problem for United is that finding a way out for Onana will not be easy. With a current contract and a high transfer fee, the club faces a difficult situation in which they must decide whether to continue to invest in him or look for a new goalkeeper who can restore stability to the Old Trafford goal.’

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One player who Man Utd are interested in bringing to the club in the summer is Napoli striker Victor Osimhen – who is currently impressing on loan at Galatasaray – but journalist Ben Jacobs doubts if the Red Devils could afford a deal.

Jacobs told GiveMeSport: “It could become irrelevant whether Osimhen is open to Manchester United, if Manchester United can’t afford that deal. Right now it’s, financially, very difficult for Manchester United which is why, contrary to some suggestions, my understanding is (that) nothing is advanced yet. It can be both true that Victor Osimhen would like Manchester United and Manchester United simply can’t move for Osimhen.

“That’s kind of where we’re at, at the moment, because of Manchester United’s PSR position, the fact that they may not get any kind of European football, the fact that they’re coming off a season, financially speaking, where they haven’t had as much European broadcast revenue because they’re not in the Champions League.”