Remember when everyone was reserving judgement on Arne Slot until Liverpool had beaten a Proper Team? Well, we’re still waiting.
Liverpool have won 17 of their 19 games in all competitions so far this season, taking them to the summit of both the Premier League and Champions League tables, and through to the quarter-finals of the EFL Cup. Well done them, well done Arne Slot etc etc.
But with a crocked and hopeless Manchester City to come on Sunday after they put the shadow of Real Madrid to the sword on Wednesday we’re starting to wonder whether they can go the whole season without beating anyone decent. Pep Guardiola’s head scratchers certainly won’t count and according to our meticulously tested and unimpeachable definition, they are yet to play A Proper Team this season.
In chronological order we’re going to expose all of the 17 teams so far defeated by Merseyside’s flat-track bullies for the improper opponents they’ve been.
Ipswich 0-2 Liverpool
They were in League One just over a year before, playing their first Premier League game for over two decades; you can count the number of their players with top-flight experience on one hand, who have a collective market value of £160m (the lowest in the Premier League) compared to Liverpool’s £775m.
Liverpool 2-0 Brentford
Brentford are the most two-faced team in the Premier League and Liverpool played the one that’s red raw from being slapped about by near enough everyone that’s had the chance. 16 points from a possible 18 at the Gtech and 1 from 18 away from home. Thomas Frank’s team become improper the moment they get on a bus.
Manchester United 0-3 Liverpool
Hahahaha. Come on. The most unserious, improper team going.
Milan 1-3 Liverpool
As Liverpool know as well as anyone, being a Chelsea reject isn’t necessarily cause for rebuke but in this case calling Milan a team of Chelsea rejects serves its belittling purpose and makes victory over them far less impressive than beating a team of players yet to be rejected by Chelsea, which – as we will soon prove beyond doubt – also isn’t impressive.
Liverpool 3-0 Bournemouth
Ten games previously at Anfield: one draw; nine defeats; aggregate score of 30-6.
Liverpool 5-1 West Ham
Carabao Cup, so doesn’t really count anyway even before you consider it was a victory over West Ham, who don’t count; particularly not in domestic cups having failed to reach a semi-final since Carlton Cole was leading their line.
Wolves 1-2 Liverpool
Literally the worst team in the Premier League at this point, who had conceded more goals (14) than anyone and got hit for five by Brentford in the very next game. The shock (and embarrassment) was Liverpool only winning 2-1.
Liverpool 2-0 Bologna
Playing in their first Champions League campaign ever and first European competition of any sort in over two decades having lost the manager who got them there to Juventus in the summer, when they also made their two biggest sales of all time in Riccardo Calafiori and Joshua Zirkzee and made a £50m surplus to balance the books. They’d won one of six Serie A games before their trip to Anfield.
Crystal Palace 0-1 Liverpool
The second-worst team in the Premier League that had scored five goals in six games at this stage, experiencing a Glasnerball comedown of epic proportions despite Oliver Glasner still being in charge, with all of that joy apparently tied up in a guy that left for Bayern Munich and another guy they shouldn’t have sold to Fulham over the guy they could have got £60m+ from Newcastle for.
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Liverpool 2-1 Chelsea
A team that finished 19 points behind them last season and 23 the season before when they finished 12th, who have failed to beat Liverpool in any of their previous 10 attempts in all competitions, who came into this game with their most significant victory under a manager with next to no Premier League experience over Brighton at home.
RB Leipzig 0-1 Liverpool
They have zero points from five Champions League games and lost 3-1 to f***ing Celtic two weeks after Liverpool.
Brighton 2-3 Liverpool
Carabao Cup. Brighton second XI. Next.
Liverpool 2-1 Brighton
“19 first division titles, six European Cups, eight FA Cups and ten League Cups, wbu?”
“Errrm, two third division titles, two fourth division titles and the English supercup in 1911.”
Liverpool 4-0 Bayer Leverkusen
Last season, sure, but this term they’ve failed to win (5D 1L) more games than they’ve won (5) in their hangover of a Bundesliga season and are behind the team that lost to f***ing Celtic having conceded more goals (18) in 11 games than 16th-placed St. Pauli (14).
Liverpool 2-0 Aston Villa
Their only Premier League points against a top-half team came courtesy of a win over an unlikely top-half team in Fulham and they’ve not won any of their last seven in all competitions, with Liverpool joining Spurs, Crystal Palace and Club Brugge as their vanquishers in their worst spell under Unai Emery.
Southampton 2-3 Liverpool
Comfortably the worst Premier League team who were even more generous than usual in their goal-gifting.
Liverpool 2-0 Real Madrid
Oooo we beat the European champions, Conor Bradley’s a lad, Alexis Mac Allister’s got a wand of a right foot. Sure, enjoy it. But guys, that wasn’t the real Real Madrid.
Kylian Mbappe was Eden-Hazard-at-Madrid-levels of terrible, Jude Bellingham spent at least half of the game on the floor, Luka Modric finally looks old and they were without the second and fourth-best players in the world.
