When the transfer window slamming shut/simply closing (we’re not, by the way, at all comfortable with Richard Keys showing hitherto untapped reserves of self-awareness with his tweets about that this year) there will always be those left with no chair when the music stops.
Not everyone can be Marcus Rashford and get their much-needed escape from purgatory. Here are five players still stuck where they were and waiting on a phone call from Turkey or, failing that, an already-agreed summer move to Celtic. That one is, admittedly, quite specific.
Casemiro (Manchester United)
There’s a philosophical question here about who truly is stuck with who in this relationship. Is Casemiro stuck with United? Are United stuck with Casemiro? And in classic winter-window style there’s every chance it is all rendered moot over the following week by a move to Turkey and their crafty late-closing window that allows them to hoover up all the detritus from Europe’s showier leagues.
But for now, there he is. Still literally and figuratively clogging up the place, stodging up United’s midfield, slowing down their football, getting run past with almost embarrassing ease and frequency.
There is always something tragic about watching the genuinely great reduced to the status of bums. And it’s also sad watching Casemiro play for them.
Man United had an underwhelming transfer window, one perhaps in which PSR concerns were a primary focus. But that makes keeping Casemiro’s bulky wages on the payroll even more of a puzzle.
United do have a bit more oomph in those wing-back positions now, but ending the window actually reducing their attacking options and with the same stodgy midfield they began with is at best careless.
There are a great many totems to Man United’s foolishness over the last decade, but the fact Casemiro is not just a) still there but b) may now actually be needed as an emergency centre-back is among the greatest.
Kieran Tierney (Arsenal)
We genuinely thought he’d gone to Celtic about five days ago, but it turns out that was just a deal for the summer which leaves the left-back sat on his hands for the next five months watching Arsenal not win the league.
He has made five appearances for Arsenal this season, which isn’t too bad. But the only one of those that was longer than 15 minutes was against Crystal Palace in the Carabao, which is quite bad.
It does seem odd that for someone who is so clearly a spare part, who has agreed a deal for the summer when his current contract expires and who was wanted by his new club this month – they moved for Jeffrey Schlupp once it was clear Tierney wasn’t (yet) happening – hasn’t been allowed to get that move done. But there we are.
Sergio Reguilon (Tottenham)
Has somehow played 242 minutes of football this season, and all of them relatively recently too. But for a senior international defender in this Spurs squad in this season of swirling, unending crisis, that still qualifies very much as only 242 minutes. It’s still less game time than Brandon Austin, who is Tottenham’s fourth-choice goalkeeper.
And also, 120 of those minutes were at Tamworth. Which was not it should be noted Tottenham’s finest hour. Or two hours, if you want to be specific.
That Tamworth ordeal is still his only start this season, having seen teenaged central midfielders and formerly discarded right-backs preferred to him at left-back even at Spurs’ lowest ebbs.
When everyone is fit – stop laughing, it could theoretically happen – he is now at best fourth-choice left-back behind Destiny Udogie, Djed Spence and the utility man’s utility man Ben Davies. And probably also Archie Gray.
After a pair of loan spells at Manchester United and Brentford last season he has somehow managed to stay at Spurs all season this time around. Perhaps he has bonded with the Australian Ange Postecoglou over a shared love of cricket.
More likely, he’s another one potentially off to Turkey. You cannot deny ‘Sergio Reguilon (Fenerbahce)’ sounds so utterly correct you can’t quite believe it isn’t already a thing.
Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall (Chelsea)
It’s all relative, because even if he had left, where would he have gone? Back to Leicester? If not that it was going to be upwardly-mobile Championship at best, you fear.
And while he may well add little to the 132 Premier League minutes he has under his belt thus far, he’s going to pocket some silverware, isn’t he? He’s started all but one of Chelsea’s eight games in the Conference and its qualifiers, and even the game he didn’t start he still got 45 minutes.
But going from a good two-and-a-half seasons of being a first-choice starter week in, week out to this kind of spare part and Conference filler must at the very least be an awkward adjustment. It’s just such a total change of pace to going from playing every single Saturday to half-a-dozen Thursdays.
And 26 is the worst possible age to be going through that kind of adjustment; far beyond promising youngster but not yet anywhere near a time when minutes should want managing.
Jack Grealish (Man City)
There are worse places to be stuck than Man City, even in their current reduced state. But City’s reduced state is kind of the point. Grealish has been a bit-part player for City even in that reduced state, while the January arrival of Omar Marmoush has placed yet another significant barrier between Grealish and regular football.
‘He just needs to go somewhere and enjoy his football’ generally strikes us extremely glib analysis of any situation. But Grealish really does look like he needs to go somewhere – anywhere – and enjoy his football.
He used to be so much fun, didn’t he? Villa have moved beyond him and are probably too sensible for such a sentimental reunion kind of move, but there are still surely plenty of teams out there who would have fancied their chances of getting Grealish back doing Grealish things.
